To the perfect ex..

“I have very strong feelings for you, whether they’re good or bad, I don’t know yet”

I HATE you so much right now. I wanna simultaneously choke and drown you on your lies and deceit, but I can’t, because as much as I hate to admit, I feel very strongly for you and the simple theory of your existence feeds those emotions. I’m damaged, I can’t help it. But as insane as it sounds, you’re even more damaged than I am. We found ourselves admist all the perfection and organization which is in itself imperfectly perfect.

We struck a chord. We talked, actually sat down and talked. We weren’t the typical I’m-attracted-to-you-and-I’m-just-talking-to-you-because-you’re-cute-and-hot. No, we found some fucked up solace in seeing a mirror reflection of our psychotic states in each other. And being humans, we got swept away by the unexplainable gravitituous  attraction that came with it. In layman’s language, we hooked up

I don’t know why I’m rehashing memories when all I really want to do is tell you to masturbate to gay porn and die, but I’m stalling. Stalling because I can’t completely hold you over the cliff and drop you. Some damaged part of me wants to fall over instead and let you walk away. Because even though you’re an asshole, you’re my asshole. You’re smart, funny, a damn good lay and most importantly, the balance I need to my life. I clung to you so much because you were a walking, talking, breathing fucking addiction. You were my vice, my opium, my reason to wake up and smile. Turns out, you were my painful blast into reality too. My rehabilitation. My re-entry into dark, stark, painful life. You were a lie, a fucking lie, and you prove to me, that I could never be cured.

I can only keep up the pretense for so long. You definitely will be shocked to see this, but I’ve met them all. Jane, Anita, Mariam, all of them. The smilimar patters, the looks, the expressions, right down to the fucking menu. GOD!. Fuck you fuck you. Each fuck you is a tear to my already worn façade and I’m coming out. I will always feel very strongly for you, maybe even relapse and try to get back together…you will always be my emotional paradox

It’s over…

From a damaged ex