family -ish..2

**This was too juicy to wait till tomorrow.**

And here I was thinking my life sucked and I had nothing to blog about when all the laughter and annoyance was staring me right in the face. I know I promised never to blog bout daddy again, but damn..Twas too juicy

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

POPSY HAS JOINED FACEBOOK OOO!!!!  

**I am officially screwed over.**

Okay, so back to basics. After todays emmbarrasmentation-yes it is a word, just not in the dictionary. I decided to try my luck to see if I would still be able to wrangle cash outta him cuz I needed to chill with peeps. So, I told him. Na so popsy begin to dey question me o.

“Which friends?”

“From where?” (ah-han..so im not supposed to have friends again...I GO TO SCHOOL FOR FUCK SAKE!)

“I thought you said all your school friends were based in abj” I replied “most of them yes, but there in Lagos now”

“Who are they?”

I couldn’t help myself, na so I begin laugh (inwardly o...if not...)

I replied “shayo, ade  e.t.c (fake named btw) I had to. If he heard the name of a male..all hell would let loose. Now I couldn’t afford that could I?

One hour later

My lil sis comes to tell me “daddy is joining facebook”

Me: *silence*

He joins logs in and goes straight to the profile of my youngest sister. Bear in mind tha t she is just 12 as I relay what she told me

Youngest sis: So daddy checked my profile and started shouting just cuz I put up a nickname in the middle. He was shouting bout how putting up the nickname in facebook can affect my job opportunities in the future...IMAGINE!!!!! 

Me: What of me whose facebook name is false from start to finish?

Youngest sis: Then he started checking all the profiles of all my friends (over 170 people o!) and asked her who each person was respectively.

Me: I swear down, half my friends on facebook, I DONT KNOW 

 He then saw the profile of one of our neighbours who was like 21. He started hollerin again ...”These boy is too old to be your friend”

Me: Biko, this boy is our neighbour, not her toaster

#ontothenextone her info  

Youngest sis: On the “Reasons for joining facebook” He saw friendship and dating..which I think she put up as a joke

Popsy begin holler again o....wait now..I’m not done yet..

Youngest sis: On the “interested in” part I put both sexes..I mean.. I didn’t want to appear like a lesbian. Daddy saw it and started to holler...again...

Me: I PUT ONLY MEN OOO...(lauhing)

**I’m waiting for popsy to ask about my profile**

**The house will go up in flames**

Stay tuned for the next instalment of family-ish—mummy dearest.

You know you love me

XoxO

rUdE gIrL

Karma

Aint karma a bitch? Just as soon as I blog-gossip bout my obsessive dad, does fate decide to play a classic on me. I’m so embarrassed right now, I feel the only way to get better is just to write bout it. Geez, I’m not even so sure bout that anymore. God, I’m so embarrassed. So here’s what happened:

For as long as I can remember, I had a bit of a complex. The-I’m-too-effing-comfortable-in-my-house. I mean gimme a break. It was like my brain cells realigned themselves to become laxy and care-free as soon as I was back home from school or wherever I was. In contrast, I was always extra careful outside my house. So, one of the symptoms of the complex involves sleeping in the most awkward positions, and given the current power state, I tended to sleep with less. My dad always had this nasty habit of walking into the room early In the morning to switch off our lights or wake us up to get something from him, so naturally, he met me in those (coughs) erm..positions

I never gave a shit until bout 30 minutes ago, when daddy dearest walked into the room to see me in the most embarrassing sleep position ever. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t naked. God no. This was worse..way worse..trust me.

Needless to say, I will never ever sleep with only a t-shirt on...not when dad is around..In fact NEVER....

Shit im so embarrassed I could die..How the heck am I going to face him when the whole house is awake..?..He better not snitch to mummy o...otherwise..my own don finish today..No more chilling wiv friends

Dear God, I will never blog-gossip about daddy again

Family Ish-Part One

So yes, I don’t belong to the Kardashian clan and my family isn’t crawling with fabulousity. In fact, my family is pretty normal. Well, for an obsessive-compulsive father, a mum who just makes you want to laugh and scream at the same time, sisters who you suspect were sent by God to punish you for your past sins on earth, my family is just like any other Nigerian middle-class family trying to survive the BS this country throws at us and we throw at ourselves daily.

The father:

·         Head of the house

I’l start with a physical description. He is a bit fat, has a pot (don’t they all do), dark skinned and not bad looking for his age (I mean, I ddnt get my fine face from someone who looked like cow poo now.)

This man is the epitome of overprotective. CHRIST!  You should see this man have a fit if he discovers my cinema trip was with a boy. He naturally assumes that all my friends are girls. Seriously, I mean were in 2010 o. Daddy wake up. It’s like this man no wan make I grow up again. He monitors all my phone calls, he has to know all the people I’m going out with, and if he as much as hears the word “party”. My life will never be the same again. I’m just waiting for the man’s reaction when I tell him I have a boyfriend, or even better, IM BISEXUAL. Man go die...

P.S: Im not bisexual. It’s a scare tactic used m=by frustrated sixteen year olds like me who want our fathers to be so scared of us becoming lesbians that they encourage us to meet as many male species as we can. IT WORKS O!!...(speaking from experience)..lol

Emotional blog...yeah right

Okay, fellow bloggers so I absolutely dunno what to write but whatever it is in my head that has no credible language definitely shared meaning with emotional bullshit or whatever it is we girls think of when we watch a movie or see a real life situation. Yeah yeah whatever, before I get lost in my usual ranting and get all confused and muddled up. So erm, here goes:

Where do I start? Okay. So a few days ago, I saw the movie “eclipse”, the third instalment in the twilight saga. Basically, what struck me first were these three words “Bella is one dumb asshole of a female”. More than three words? I know. Bite me. Then I thought, naa I’m being too judgemental. So I decided to spend a whole day watching romantic movies ranging from comedies (jab we met) to sad( a walk to remember) to downright dumb(when in rome). They all had one unique feature. All the leading men were “imperfectly perfect”. Their flaws were so tailored, they became cute little features. And then it struck me. The writers of this movie simply decided to put the dreams of more than half the females of this world in to paper and film..and it worked, but here are some few tips I wanna give out. Just in case we missed them while being sidetracked by the movie’s love schmuck. Not that I’m complaining

·         Team Edward fans of twilight. First off..VAMPIRES HAVE NOT BEEN PROVEN TO EXIST SO GIVE UP ALL HOPE OF LOOKING 17 FOR THE NEXT 200 YEARS. Also, if vampires did exist and exhibit the famous quality of drinking blood only, you will never find a vampire that is a vegetarian o. One day, hunger go catch them and they go feed on you. (thumbs up to HBO’s true blood for proving that as good as bill Compton is, he still feeds from sookie stackhouse).

·         On vampires again (P.S: I have no beef wiv em ) they can never be completely human so, don’t try to believe they ever will be

·         Team Jacob fans, as much as I love Jacob black and Taylor Lautner, I know one thing, buff teenage boys/slash werewolves are again I repeat HAVE NO PROOF OF EXISTENCE. And if they did..oh shit I’m biased bout this part so I’m just gonna stop here.

·         I am a huge fan of sad romantic stories because I believe that true love doesn’t last till both of yall grow old. At least not with the male species of today. So, I like them because the love is short-live and almost believable, but. If you’re ready to die or face someone die after you share one summer. Fine...DREAM ON!!

·         The worst of em all..Love stories that have happy endings. Have you ever considered what happens after the “honeymoon period”. Yall will notice that the flow of most romantic comedies are thus (meeting—attraction--flirting and fronting (in some cases)-mutual acknowledgement of attraction--they almost kiss—or kiss, depending on the movie--problem arrives (usually caused when one fucks up based on something bad about him/her which they both knew was existent in him/her when they first met—sad part with all the sad songs to make us feel they depth of their sadness(it’s all music people!!)—realization that the other means so much to him/her (in most cases him realizes he cannot live without her and goes after her)—some long speech about feelings and a few laughs or tears—THEY FINALLY KISS OH or if kissing took place before, they solidify their relationship....so wgat happens after happily ever after....take note ladies

·         KISSES ARE REHEARSED. They are not made perfect in one take....so will MTV viewers not vote Bella and Edward next year for best on screen kiss again..I don tire o. Even R.Pattinson said they have to cut over and over again.P’S: THAT is a lotta saliva.

I’m too hooked up to a song right now to think of anymore reasons

See ya

You know you love me

XoxO...rUdE gIrL